January 23, 2004

I'm probably the only 30-year-old worried about this, but...

The Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation, the federal agency that insures pension plans, said its deficit has grown from $3.6 billion to $11.2 billion. From 1996 to 2001, the agency experienced a surplus that reached $10 billion. Where did all that money go?

1. Take out the trash.
2. Pick up rope at the store.
3. Kill stepfather.
4. Get caught for keeping a list of my planned activities.

January 22, 2004

Ray Rayner died on Wednesday.

A television icon, Ray spent 28 years entertaining thousands of kids who grew up in Chicago. With his death, I feel like a part of my childhood is gone forever.

The mere thought of him brings back memories of snow days, pink carpeting, my Holly Hobbie oven and metal lunch box, 45s, canopy beds, Lite Brite, Dr. Seuss books, Brownies, ballet and Saturdays spent watching horror movies hosted by the Son of Svengoolie.

I am not these things, but they are still a part of me.

Satirist and showman Al Franken just got back from doing a USO show for coalition soldiers fighting in Iraq. Listen to him do a hilarious bit of his comedy routine on NPR's "Fresh Air."

January 20, 2004

Most people think book tours are glamorous events. Some of them are, of course -- particularly the ones for Stephen King and Dean Koontz. But what if you're a horror author who hasn't branded his name into the public's consciousness yet? Find out here, then order a copy of Brian Keene's new book, "The Rising." Better yet, check out his calendar of events and attend one of the signings. Tell him Jade Walker sent you.

True crime writer Suzy Spencer is making some progress in her fight against the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. Last summer, Spencer was barred from visiting with convicted killer Celeste Johnson simply because she writes books instead of articles.

Well, today, the Dallas Morning News joined the Houston Chronicle and Austin American-Statesman in calling for the TDCJ to reverse its ridiculous interviewing policy, Spencer said. If you'd like to help, just e-mail the TDCJ Ombudsman Program, or call (512) 463-7837 in Austin and (936) 437-1303 in Huntsville.

January 19, 2004

A new Jaded Writings column has been posted. This week, I focus on the issue of animal cruelty.

When I was in elementary school, the mere threat of getting "the paddle" usually kept me out of trouble. I was a good kid, for the most part, but I'd heard the stories. Some of my classmates even claimed the paddle had holes in it, and made a whistling noise as it swept through the air and landed on your backside.

I don't know if the principal ever used the paddle to instill discipline, but its myth was solid. And since I'd had numerous beatings with the belt and/or wooden spoon at home, I feared physical retribution.

So imagine my surprise to read this story in The Florida Times-Union. It turns out the threat of the paddle is actually carried out. In fact, state records show it was used 3,700 times in the past decade in Baker County, Fla., schools. During that same time period, corporal punishment was used more than 15,000 times in Duval County, Fla., schools.

Representatives from the schools call it "tough love." I call it child abuse.

January 18, 2004

The Laser Monks know how to earn the trust and respect of consumers.

The monks at the Cistercian Abbey of Our Lady of Spring Bank in Wisconsin sell high quality laser-printer toner cartridges at rock bottom prices. If you're worried about the veracity of their claims, contact the monastery's customer service department. These faithful e-sellers have been known to send out name-brand cartridges on spec. If you like 'em, pay for the shipment.

"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me."
--Emo Phillips

Past Afterthoughts